The Voice Mail

People react to situations very differently.  Some are very open with their emotions like my daughter Emily.  Others are reserved and closed off like my son Drew.  Once I was in the rehab facility, I listened to a voice message Drew left for me that bleak Sunday.  The written version below does not capture the emotion in his voice, but I'm sure you will be able to get the idea. 


Momma, it's me Drew.  I just wantede to tell you how much I love you.  I love you so much.  And you know me...I haven't cried, but I'm crying now.  I just wanted to tell you that I love you and that everyone is praying for you.  And this is nothing new for you 'cause you always sleep.  Momma I love you.  And you know me...you are my go-to person.  And we are all praying for you.  Momma I love you and I want to do for you what you always did for me...I'm going to sing to you.

{in broken tearfilled voice he sang}

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I love you Momma.

A Husband's Love

Mike wrote the email below that Sunday night/Monday morning when they thought they were going to lose me.  I didn't actually get to read the email until I was in the rehab facility.  As you read the email, you will realize the impact on a husband during such a trying and emotional time.  There are times in a marriage when you wonder if the love is as strong as it started.  After reading this email, there is no doubt in my mind how much Mike loves me and how much he has endured.


I’m up at 4:00am wondering if I’ll ever have the opportunity to hold you again. I’ve rallied every friend/family member I know to pray for you as well as the photography community. I  only hope that it’s enough. I went to a men’s meeting Saturday and it was a little comforting.   I really should start that up again. It will help me with the anger and to be a better person.

I know I can make promises as to how things will be if God lets you survive this but it feels like I’m bargaining…and I don’t want anything negative to hinder your chances. To pray for God’s will at times like these is one of the hardest things I can ever do…but I know he’s really powerful. You seem to have one of the strongest doctor’s/nurses teams in the country for an illness such as this. Emily and Drew both are with you daily and Emily especially is spending time next to you even though it’s scary to her. I don’t know what your final wishes would be other than that you mentioned that you wanted your life insurance to go to the kids. I’m just typing as thoughts enter my head because I need the release and I already miss you so much. It scares me to death to go to the hospital every morning…not knowing if they’ll tell me something negative. I thought we were going to lose you yesterday and somehow your condition stabilized a little. I can only hope for miracles and that somehow you pull through this.

I really have fallen more deeply in love with you than any other woman I’ve ever met or thought about. You ARE the love of my life and I want this to continue forever. There were times when I thought that I’d not worry about my weight/health too much thinking that I’d go before you so that you’d have the financial benefits. Now I can’t imagine putting you through this type of pain if it’s even a tiny bit as much I’m feeling right now.

I love you. I love you. I love you. PLEASE come back to us.


Mike

The Bed

I have really been putting off writing this part of my story.  It is very difficult for family to talk about the details and emotions.  I have also not wanted to face the reality that I almost slipped away from the world.  As you read below, realize the details are slim but the emotions were great...

On Friday, I was finally placed in the rotoprone bed which the doctors explained would optimize my oxygen levels.  In order for me to gain the most and not fight the bed, I was placed in a chemical induced coma.  Most people stayed in the bed about a week before they improved.  My total time in the bed was double the normal.  I was in for 13 days. 

At the same time, another girl was in the same type of bed and was 2 days ahead of me in the whole process.  Mike and my parents would watch her progression to determine the course I would take.  As they watched, they had hope.  The doctors cautioned them stating we were two completely different cases, yet they couldn't help but  hope I'd follow the same course. 

Sunday was a very bleak day for everyone.  Even with the aggressive treatment, my oxygen levels were not improving and my kidneys were beginning to fail as well.  Mike asked the doctor to be completely honest with him about what was going to happen.  The doctor looked at him with a serious face filled with sadness.  As he took his glasses off to wipe his eyes, he told Mike that there was a great possibility I wouldn't make it through the day.  Mike made the necessary phone calls to family and friends and the prayers started.  When Mike talked to his sister, she immediately said she was on her way. She had Mike put the phone to my ear so she could tell me she would see me when she got here.

Family and friends came to the hospital to give support.  Daron, Christy and the kids were getting ready to head back to Flower Mound when they got the call.  Daron asked Mike if he needed to bring the kids up, and the mutual decision was yes.  Daron explained to the kids that the situation had taken a turn for the worse.  They would need to go say their goodbyes.  I cannot imagine the fear and emotion that came over them knowing that their Momma was more than likely going to die by the end of the day.  Both kids recall crying and being angry that things were going down this road.  When the kids got to the hospital, they both sat with me and talked to me telling me how much they loved me and to get better.  The doctors took time to show the kids before and after x-rays of my lungs.  The x-rays showed the lungs full of fluid which gave the kids a better understanding of what we were dealing with.

When I think about what my parents were experiencing my heart starts to hurt.  Parents are not supposed to out live their children.  The sadness and the fear they felt must have been overwhelming.  Mom tells me she was quiet the entire day - not talking to anyone, just sitting in sadness. 

Everyone at the hospital that day gave love and support to each other.

Slipping Away

As I lay in the hospital "sleeping" for lack of a better term, my family experienced a rollercoaster of emotion.  The emotion started out as worried but confident that I would be okay in a few days.  Life went about it's normal course as Emily went to school and Mike took care of things at the house before and after his visit to the hospital.  Wednesday evening Mike went home to get some rest as he hadn't had a good nights sleep for about a week.  Later that evening, he was awaken to a phone call from the hospital saying they were going to move me to intermediate care because I wasn't getting enough oxygen.  Wanting more details, Mike decided to call the doctor; however, he was interrupted by another call from the hospital saying I was being moved to ICU.

Calls were made to family members to update them on the situation.   Everyone was making arrangements to come see me when needed as the belief was I would be better in a few days.  The first few hours in ICU were pretty typical of anyone with pneumonia.  I ran fever; couldn't eat or keep anything down unitl they found the Lemon Ice.  For anyone who's been in the hospital, you know that the Lemon Ice is smooth, sweet with a bit of lemon tartness.  It is very refreshing when nothing else works.   Of course, I liked this very much and ate as much of it as I could.  Little did I know that it would be the last thing I actually ate for at least a month! 

Things started to turn for the worse and my oxygen level kept dropping.  The decision was made to put me on a ventilator.  By this time, Emily was staying with family and friends.  And, Daron had told Drew to be prepared to take a trip to Austin to see me.  The kids were worried, but everyone kept telling them I was going to be alright.  Emily was worried and wondered when I'd be home.  Whenever she was scared, she would call her Dad for reassurance.  Of course, Drew handled the situation as he always does stuffing the emotion way down deep so he doesn't have to feel it.  It's easier that way (at least in the short run!).

Mom and Dad first learned of me going to ICU when Dad was having surgery on his elbow.  He had the forsight to ask the doctor what the implications would be if they needed to travel to see me.  The doctors explained that he was not to sit still but to move around as to not have any blood clots.  Mom and Dad talked to Mike to find out if he needed them now or if they could wait until the weekend.  Mike assured them that the weekend was fine that I would be okay.

As the week started to come to an end, my struggle became even more difficult.  I had developed ARDS which is Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome.  In the past, only 10% of the people diagnosed with ARDS actually survived it.  However in recent years, a special bed called a "Rotoprone Bed" was designed to help patients with ARDS.  The bed positioned the patient in a manner that the lungs could be released of pressure and provide the optimal environment for oxygen absorbtion. 

Here's the schematic of the bed:

With the ARDS diagnosis, the doctors determined that I would need the Rotoprone bed to survive.  And now started the hunt for the bed...the last available bed in the Central Texas region was found and was to be transferred to the hospital.  With the bed enroute, the doctors explained to Mike that it would be best for the kids to see me before they put me in the bed.  Once again, calls were made and the race began.

Daron immediately told Drew to pack is bags because they were headed to Austin.  He thought "Alrighy" I guess I need to call my coach!  Once they got to town, they stopped by Emily's school to pick her up.  Drew said it really sucked picking Em up from school.  She knew something wasn't right if Dad and Drew where there to get her in the middle of the day.  The minute Emily walked into the office and saw Dad and Drew she broke down and tears began to flow.  Seeing his little girl upset and knowing how grave the situation was, Daron's eyes filled with tears as well.  Once again, Drew was strong pushing all the emotion aside. 

Mom and Dad also made the drive to Austin except this time Mom was behind the wheel.  Dad was in the passenger seat trying to move around as much as he could because of the recent surgery.  Now, it's a blur as to whether Mom and Dad came in on Thursday night or Friday morning; the important part is they came especially since Dad had just gotten out of surgery!

As everyone came to the ICU, they all had the same overwhelming realization...this is serious!  Emily was shocked to see how many machines, cords and tubes were hooked up to my body.  She cried and held my hand to comfort me.  Drew still holding all the emotion in thought "Man, she's hooked up to a lot of shit!"  And Mom's take on the whole scene was that she had never seen anything like it.  It was a scene that you haven't even seen on television.  Before seeing me, no one really grasped the severity of the situation. 

The bed finally arrived and I was placed inside.




Below is the string of emails Mike sent to update family and friend of my status:

Fri, 9 Oct 2009 23:14:31 -0500
Family and friends,

Many of you know, some don’t but Heather had to be admitted to the ICU on Thursday due to extreme pneumonia. They were having trouble getting her oxygenated and her levels kept decreasing. The doctors put her into a special type of bed today which rotates (see attached) which has stabilized her O2 levels. They expect that she’ll be in ICU for several days. Heather’s parents are here and Daren brought the kids in to see her before they had to put her into the prone bed. You can imagine the stress this is putting on us all…so I ask that you keep her in your prayers.

If you’d like to reach out to me, feel free to send me an email unless I call you (except for family) as I’ve been having a tough time getting rest between hospital visits. I’ll try to send out status updates as they come in.

Always,
Mike

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 18:40:08 -0500
Picture of Heather in her RotoProne bed. So far so good. She's still very sick but stable right now.
Love Mike

Email sent to our Photography Group:
This group is a lot of fun but today I write to you about something serious. Most of you who have attended our events have met Mike's wonderful wife, Heather. Heather provides the group with quite a bit of support from posting information to ordering food to helping models with makeup.

This week, Heather was admitted to the hospital for some health problems. Mike just called to let me know that Heather's condition has taken a turn for the worse and today she was admitted to the ICU.

Please keep Heather, Mike and their family in your thoughts as we all cross our fingers for a speedy recovery for Heather.

Tim Babiak